Farewell to 2009

Dear Anna

Today is New Years Eve. Today we say goodbye to 2009 and welcome in 2010.
A lot of the time I find myself saying that I hate 2009. That the past year has been so terrible. But, really...a lot of last year was the most special year to me.

At the beginning of the year, you were already 3 months old growing in my belly. Soon after that, I could already feel your kicks and turns. You were a busy little girl! I enjoyed every minute of your movement. And even though I experience a lot of back pain towards the end, I would still invite that feeling if it would mean you were still alive.

You and I spent 6 months together last year. You grew and grew. I heard your beautiful heartbeat every week. You were perfect. You still are. But, when you and I were ready to meet each other in June, I guess there were other plans for you. It was the saddest day of my life, Anna, but, I still feel like I am blessed that I even had those few months to feel your little life inside of me.

The remainder of 2009 has been very hard. I am not the same person any more. I am so filled with saddnes and grief. I think about your every minute of every day. I feel so robbed. Anna, you have the most beautiful big sister named Ava. Every day I picture how you and Ava would interact. I will never see the two of you together. I have to just picture it in my head,...with a lump in my throat. It is so unfair. And every day I question "why". But, I know you are safe. And I hope you are happy and at peace. Someday Anna,..I too will find that peace. My saddness still overrides every feeling I have. I can't help it. I miss you so much. My heart has been broken and will remain this way for the rest of my life. I will just learn to live my new life this way. And that's ok. I wish you were here in this life with me. Your daddy, Ava and myself,...we had so much love to give you. We will just learn how to love you in a different way. It hurts to not hold you. But my heart always carries you.

You are an angel in my life Anna. I am truly blessed that I was able to know you and meet you. As the next year approaches, I will continue to write to you and talk to you and visit you. You will never be forgotten my sweet girl. Please know that your mommy loves you so much. I cry tears for you every day. But it's just because I love you so much and miss everything about you.

You are a beautiful little girl. And heaven must be the most beautiful place in the world now that you are there. I love you so much.

kisses to you my angel.
oxox Mommy