My Story
June 24, 2009
It is 2:25 in the morning. I have a strange sensation but can’t quite identify what is going on. I’m trying to fall back to sleep. I have to get up in just a few hours to go to work.
2:35. Ten minutes have passed and I have that sensation again.
Could it be? No. I’m not in labor am I? No. I would know. I should know. I’ve done this before. This is my 2nd pregnancy, everything should be clear to me this time.
2:45
I think I’ll wake up my husband. I really don’t think this is it..but I should at least tell him something….
2:54…oh gosh. This feeling, this sensation…It’s getting more intense.
“jamey” “Jamey!” “JAMEY” “Can you please get up. I think something is happening…” “Well, did you call the doctor?”
Ugh. I hate bothering the doctor, They’re going to ask all sorts of questions…and they’ll probably think it’s false labor. And it probably is.
3:03 ARRrrrrrrhhhhHHhhhrrrggggGG!! OH MY GOD that hurt. Oh sh*t. Sh*t Sh*t Sh*t! Owww. Oh my god , oh my god. This is it. This must be it.
I’m calling.
Doctor anwers. She asks “well, is this your first?” I say no.
“well,….can you talk through conctractions…”
Silence.
More silence
“sorry…That was me having a contraction and to answer you….then No, no I cannot talk through my contractions.
Doctor, :”ok. Ok. Come on in to Labor and Delivery. We’ll take care of you.”
So, Jamey Ava and I scurry all around to pack us all into the truck with all our belongings. It’s almost 3:30 am. My contractions are in full force. There is no denying that I am NOW in labor! It is brutal! I actually vomited in the truck. I don’t know why. Maybe the pain was too intense. I don’t know. I don’t know anything that’s going on except that I’m about to have a baby. My baby. Our baby. A baby for Ava. A little girl. A beautiful child will soon be brought into this world. And then brought home. To our home. To be loved.
I am 38 ½ weeks pregnant with my second daughter Anna. I’m certain we’ll be meeting Anna TODAY. I delivered Ava in under 9 hours 2 ½ years ago. Clearly this was going to be no different.
We arrive at the hospital and the anticipation increases. It’s almost time. It’s almost time. Any moment now.
Jamey parks the car with Ava in her car seat, and I head up to Labor and Delivery, on my own. I get to the front desk and barely get the words out. “ I …just …called….I need…a doctor….I am in labor…please hurry”
Then send me to a room and get me changed. They measure me,….4 cm dilated. Ready for an epidural. Thank GOD!
Jamey and Ava show up and I tell them the news. We’re having this baby today.
Jamey calls our friend Dianne to come quicky and retrieve Ava before things get serious.
I’m now being strapped to the monitors. Jamey and Ava watch everyting. One strap around me for the contractions and one strap around me for the baby’s heartbeat.
Contrations read right away, but heartbeat doesn’t
The nurses move the doppler to the other side. Nothing.
And then----we hear it!! It’s the heartbeat! Well…no, it’s not the heartbeat. Not the babys’ heartbeat, that’s my heartbeat. It’s much slower. That’s how they can tell.
They move the Doppler again. They look at me and deliver the news that the baby is probably breach.
Breach!! NO. No no no no. My baby is not breach.
I was just here, at this hospital. less than 10 hours ago for a non-stress test, Heard my daughter’s heartbeat for over an hour! It was beautiful and perfect. She is in position and her heartbeat was strong.
So, what seem to be the problem?!?!
Anxiety is rising.
The nurses looked at one another and decided to bring in the doctor with the ultrasound machine.”good” I thought. “finally we can get this show on the road. And as an added bonus, I can see my daughter on screen one last time.
I wait patienty. I breathed through my contractions. I look over at Jamey and Ava and I smile. It’s time, I tell them. This is it!! Once this doctor comes in, we’ll be all set and will be ready to deliver our baby Anna
The doctor came in. She wheeled in the ultrasound machine. She hooked me up.
We both looked at the screen, My eyes are darting in every direction to find her heartbeat, My own heart is pounding. I need to take a deep breath so that I can focus on her…and her heartbeat.
But just around that time,…the doctor stopped looking. She took her hand down. She bowed her head down. She uttered the words “kim, I’m sorry……your baby…is not alive.
Silence
What? I don’t …I don’t…..what..?
Silence
Jamey? Jamey did you hear that??? Jamey JAMEY JAMEY!! Oh my God Jamey. Oh Jamey. What are we going to do.
I don’t seem to..i don’t….i don’t undertstand. I don’t understand
Um…can you please check again, there must be a mistake,
The doctor complied and checked again.. Again she said to me, “I’m sorry.
I can’t even cry. I can't even breath. I’m having contractions but was just told that my baby was dead. What the heck!!! Where am I?!?! What is gong on. This can’t be happening.
“Jamey” I kept calling….jamey…help mee…I don’t know what to do .
what are we going to do . what are we going to do. We have to tell people. I have to call my mom. I have to call work.. I have to cry. Why arent’ I crying. What's happening to me. Everything is surreal. This can't actually be happening.
Do we plan a funeral. Oh my god, did I just say funeral in Labor and Delivery????
What is going on??!?!? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Help me. Help me.
What happens now??? What did you say?!?! I have to deliver her?? Are you kidding me? A dead baby And I have to deliver it. And then meet it and ….what.???? take pictures??? Do people do that??? I mean….do baby’s actually die. No, of course not. Of course they don’t. It's just me, Kim. My name is Kim. I’m from a small town. Simply came here to have a baby. And now you’re all telling me she’s dead. Dead. Dead.
...to be continued
...to be continued
