The hardest day

Dear Anna

Today was a hard day. Was it the hardest day? I don't know. Wasn't the day you died the hardest day? Of course it was. But what about the day that I held you...and then had to pass you back to the nurses. That day was unbelievable. The worst. And the day I buried you? What day can be worse than that? Or maybe it was the day I had to return to work and pretend everything was back to normal. I don't know. That day was surreal. The first snowfall?  I fell to pieces that day. Thinking you were cold and lonely. When in fact,...I was the one cold and lonely...and missing you.

But today Anna,...today your daddy, big sister and I drove to look at your gravestone. It's not in the cemetery yet, but we still had to look at it to be sure it was designed correctly. Anna, it is perfect. As perfect as a headstone should be, I guess.

I'm still confused as to why my family and I drove to a gravestone company on a Saturday in January. Shouldn't I be home changing diapers? Nursing? Sleepy from getting up with your cries all night long? Wouldn't you be crawling by now? Or at least trying. Wouldn't you be smiling at me? Shouldn't Ava be holding you and loving you and being a role model to you. I don't understand Anna.

Almost 7 months have passed and I'm still struggling with why my life has become this now.
After your daddy drove us to look at your stone...we went to the shrine and I lit a candle for you. I asked God to be sure to take care of you. I asked Him to be sure you could hear me when I say I love you. Anna,..can you hear me? Do you know how much I love you?

I am sorry that I am not at peace yet with your death. I just don't know why I had to look at a stone today instead of your beautiful face and feel you in my arms. I miss you so much my little girl. Please know that I carry you in my heart every second. I feel your weight in my arms every day. I will never forget you and I love you.