tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44095149445658759622024-03-14T03:51:48.967-04:00dear annaKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-70951903817841784062010-06-26T10:21:00.000-04:002010-06-26T10:21:50.320-04:00June 24, 2009They told me you died, but I know that's not true. Babies don't die. And horrific things, like death of a child, doesn't happen to people like me. It's too big. Too much to handle. I'd never survive. So, please Anna, tell me it's not true. The ultrasound machine,..I'm sure it's broken. You have a heart beat. I know you do. I've heard it. I've felt you. When you are delivered, you will cry and say hello to me. You will, right? Please don't leave me. Please Anna. Please don't die.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-61135117193361139742010-06-23T20:46:00.000-04:002010-06-23T20:46:21.940-04:00June 23, 2009Anna, they sent me to the hospital today. My blood pressure spiked for some reason. I had just a routine appointment, but they sent me over for an NST just in case.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, everything is great. In fact, better than great! Your heartbeat reading today was as strong as ever. And guess what? I'm having small contractions! I don't feel anything yet, but I guess you are getting ready for your arrival. I'm going to head home tonight for a good night's sleep.<br />
<br />
Will I meet you tonight? Tomorrow? Well, whenever you're ready my sweet girl. You mommy is here waiting for you. I love you. I love you. I love you.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-89491870653328975512010-06-22T21:13:00.000-04:002010-06-22T21:13:18.280-04:00June 22, 2009Dear Anna. I feel you. I know you're ready soon. I am so anxious for your arrival. Are you excited to meet me? I can't wait to show you your family. You're going to be so happy. We have so much love for you Anna. I can't wait to kiss you!Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-30585081213410665412010-06-20T21:13:00.000-04:002010-06-20T21:13:04.389-04:00June 20, 2009Dear Anna<br />
Are you as anxious as I am to meet you?? I feel so close to the day that you'll be here in our lives. I just can't wait. I want you to know, that you are going to have a wonderful life ahead of you. Your mommy and daddy love each other so much. And we love your big sister Ava even more! She probably thinks we do nothing but kiss her all the time and stare at her. She's just beautiful. And the two of you together....you're going to make my heart skip a beat every day. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!<br />
I love you soo much Anna. I'm blowing you a kiss right now. You can save it for later for when I can give you a real one!Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-21326312809561878312010-06-19T17:40:00.000-04:002010-06-19T17:40:30.515-04:00June 19Today is June 19, 2009. They say I am dilated! Oh, I am just so excited. I know I can still have almost 2 weeks to go, but with Ava, it was just a matter of days when I was dilated this much. I am so filled with anxiety and excitement. And I'll admit,..a little terrified! But, I know everything will go well. I have all my plans ready. All scenarios set up for whatever time you decide to make an appearance! I can hardly believe that you, my little baby Anna, will soon be face to face with me. I just can't wait to kiss you all over! Love, love, love you sweet girl. xoKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-90538981947339912402010-06-16T11:37:00.001-04:002010-06-16T11:38:20.062-04:00June 16, 2009Today is June 16. 2009. My NST with you last week went perfect as usual. Your heartbeat sounds wonderful. The nurses still question why I need to come in once a week when my pregnancy is going so smoothly. Well, it's just protocol when you're over 35 years of age. I don't mind. I love hearing your heartbeat. It's a sound I can get used to for the rest of my life.<br />
<br />
Dr. Jamal gave me another shot of lidocaine today in my back. I feel so much better after that shot. The nerve pain in my back disappears and I can just enjoy being pregnant with you. I feel you kick all the time now. I've had people touch my belly and they can feel you too. It's so amazing. You are so alive and beautiful. Soon Anna, you will be in my arms and we will meet. I can't begin to tell you how much my love grows for you every day. xoKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-39332430345714968182010-06-13T21:05:00.000-04:002010-06-13T21:05:41.828-04:00June 13, 2009Today is June 13. It is 2009.<br />
<br />
My wonderful friends at work threw me a baby shower yesterday. So unexpected! It's something you really don't expect when having baby #2. But Anna, I guess they all recognize how important you are already.<br />
<br />
It was a wonderful feeling to be celebrated. What they don't know is that I am already celebrating. I am already blessed. I am carrying the greatest gift of all, and that's you. I love you my sweet girl.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-84405997034800854772010-06-09T16:30:00.000-04:002010-06-09T16:30:55.555-04:00June 9, 2009June 9. It is 2009. I saw Dr. Krupa one last time. The pain is almost getting worse. Dr. Jamal suggested I try a Lidocaine shot in my back. He promises it is safe. And I know it is. It's just an anesthetic. And now I have some control over the situation! The Lidocaine works wonders. I feel like a new person. I feel like I can focus on my pregnancy all over again. And not worry about the pain anymore. I only have a few weeks left with you Anna before we meet in person, and I really want to enjoy this time.<br />
I know in my heart this will be my last pregnancy.<br />
I will have my 2 children and my life will be complete. And I really can't ask for anything more than 2 sisters. Ava is going to be so happy to meet you Anna. The two of you are going to have so much fun together.<br />
I just can't wait!<br />
I love you my precious little girl.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-17029224328634252552010-06-08T21:07:00.001-04:002010-06-08T21:08:24.129-04:00June 8, 2009Today is June 8, 2009. I have seen Dr. Krupa two times now. And still no relief on my back pain. He has cracked my back, but I know that is not the problem. It is nerve pain. No medication will give me relief. Not heat nor ice will help it go away. It mostly just subsides when I lay down on my side. It's ok though. I know you are there and you are well. As long as I have that pain, I know there is life inside of me. Sometimes I have questioned if I should call the doctor and suggest and induction. The pain in my back is that excruciating. It's debilitating. But I know I can carry on. I am just a few weeks away from meeting you. And I know once you are in my arms that the pain in my back will disappear. It's just the way I carry my pregnancies. I had the same pain with Ava. It stopped the minute she was in my arms.<br />
<br />
Soon Anna. Soon, I will hold you and be able to tell you face-to-face how much I love you. I can't wait to feel the warmth of your body. Your hands touching mine. Your lips. Your breath. I will feed you and nurture you. I am prepared to love you for the rest of my life. My heart has already split Anna. It has split between both you and Ava. I didn't think that was possible. But, now I know. Now I know how much a mother can love her children. No one can ever take that away. It is a feeling that only a mom knows.<br />
<br />
I feel you kicking inside of me. I feel you loving me back. Very soon Anna. Our time together is very soon..Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-40875725642839092532010-06-02T11:49:00.000-04:002010-06-02T11:49:07.020-04:00June 2, 2009Today is June 2nd.<br />
<br />
It is 2009. The NST went perfect yesterday. Just as I knew it would. Your heartbeat was beautiful. Perfect in every way. The nurses want to know why I even need to come in for the NST. Well, it's just hospital protocol. Anyone over the age of 35. Just a precaution. Though we all know everything will be fine.<br />
I carried Ava to term with no problems at all.<br />
This will be no different.<br />
<br />
Dear Anna, I just want to tell you that I love you and I can't wait to meet you. Just 3 or 4 more weeks to go! oxKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-59991517660114579312010-06-01T17:41:00.000-04:002010-06-01T17:41:22.932-04:00June 1, 2009Dear Anna<br />
<br />
Today is June 1.<br />
<br />
It is 2009. I am 35 weeks pregnant with you. I feel you move all the time. I am so excited to meet you.<br />
Tonight I go to Norwood hospital for my 2nd NST. I will hear your beautiful heartbeat. I will meet some new nurses. They will tell me that everything is perfect and that you look gorgeous. I am beaming with joy. I feel like I will meet you any day now, but will be patient over the next few weeks.<br />
<br />
Your daddy and I are still discussing names! We think we both like Hannah. Anna and maybe Ana are some other options. But, I at this time, we're feeling like Hannah is the one that it's going to be! How fun that we can tell our friend's daughter, Hannah, who is 8 years-old, that she will have a new friend with the same name! She will be so thrilled. These last few weeks are the most exciting time for us.<br />
<br />
Daddy is nearly done with the closet in the nursery. Ava has already moved to her big-girl room. Your room is the cutest! I know you'll be very happy there. For now, it's very quiet and clean. But, I know once you fill the room with love and life, it will be the brightest room ever! I simply cannot wait.<br />
<br />
You kick so much. You have no idea how happy that makes me feel. That I am carrying life. My daughter. The most beautiful girl.<br />
<br />
I love you my new baby girl.<br />
xoKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-31680732900595141162010-05-01T21:49:00.006-04:002010-05-01T22:01:37.485-04:00International Babylost Mother's DayDear Anna<br />
<br />
Tomorrow is May 2, 1010. And an Angel mom in Australia, the one who wrote your "name in the sand" has created an International Babylost Mother's Day (IBMD). This way, all of us angel moms can have our own special day! I think it's a great idea.<br />
<br />
I will do a balloon release for you tomorrow. I will visit you and tell you how much I love you. I hope you feel my heart beating strong for you tomorrow. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll hear from you too.<br />
<br />
I love you.<br />
This is for you:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my dreams, you are alive and well</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, precious child</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my mind, I see you clear as a bell</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, precious child</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my soul, there is a hole</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">That can never be filled</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">But in my heart, there is hope</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">‘Cause you are with me still</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my heart, you live on</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Always there never gone</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, you left too soon</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You will live forever... in my heart</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my plans, I was the first to leave</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, precious child</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">But in this world, I was left here to grieve</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, my precious child</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my soul, there is a hole</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">That can never be filled</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">But in my heart there is hope</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And you are with me still</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my heart you live on</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Always there, never gone</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, you left too soon,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You will live forever... in my heart</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">God knows I want to hold you,</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">See you, touch you</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And maybe there’s a heaven</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And someday I will again</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Please know you are not forgotten until then</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my heart you live on</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Always there never gone</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Precious child, you left too soon</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tho’ it may be true that we’re apart</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Times New Roman; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You will live forever... in my heart</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">~Karen Taylor- Good</span></span></div><br />
<div style="line-height: 16px; text-align: left;"></div>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-636831264017571942010-03-27T21:16:00.003-04:002010-03-27T21:17:14.624-04:00A Mother's Grief<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You ask me how I'm feeling,<br />
but do you really want to know?<br />
The moment I try telling you<br />
You say you have to go<br />
<br />
How can I tell you,<br />
what it's been like for me<br />
I am haunted, I am broken<br />
By things that you don't see<br />
<br />
You ask me how I'm holding up,<br />
but do you really care?<br />
The second I try to speak my heart,<br />
You start squirming in your chair.<br />
<br />
Because I am so lonely,<br />
you see, no one comes around,<br />
I'll take the words I want to say<br />
And quietly choke them down.<br />
<br />
Everyone avoids me now,<br />
Because they don't know what to say<br />
They tell me I'll be there for you,<br />
then turn and walk away.<br />
<br />
Call me if you need me,<br />
that's what everybody said,<br />
But how can I call you and scream<br />
into the phone,<br />
My God, my child is dead?<br />
<br />
No one will let me<br />
say the words I need to say<br />
Why does a mothers grief<br />
scare everyone away?<br />
<br />
I am tired of pretending<br />
as my heart pounds in my chest,<br />
I say things to make you comfortable,<br />
but my soul finds no rest.<br />
<br />
How can I tell you things<br />
that are too sad to be told,<br />
of the helplessness of holding a child<br />
who in your arms grows cold?<br />
<br />
Maybe you can tell me,<br />
How should one behave,<br />
who's had to follow their child's casket,<br />
watched it perched above a grave?<br />
<br />
You cannot imagine<br />
what it was like for me that day<br />
to place a final kiss upon that box,<br />
and have to turn and walk away.<br />
<br />
If you really love me,<br />
and I believe you do,<br />
if you really want to help me,<br />
here is what I need from you.<br />
<br />
Sit down beside me,<br />
reach out and take my hand,<br />
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,<br />
I want to understand."<br />
<br />
Just hold my hand and listen<br />
that's all you need to do,<br />
And if by chance I shed a tear,<br />
it's alright if you do too. </span> </span>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-81498054644384380102010-03-02T21:26:00.002-05:002010-03-02T21:28:56.408-05:00poemDear Anna<br />
I miss you so much.<br />
My heart is aching.<br />
<br />
Here is a poem I just read...it touches my heart. Just like you have my baby girl.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">DEATH OF A CHILD by Sandy Eakle<br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Sorry I didnt get to stay,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> To Laugh and run and play.<br />
To be there by your side,<br />
I'm sorry I had to Die.<br />
God Sent me down to be with you,<br />
to make your loving heart anew.<br />
To help you look up and see<br />
both God and little Me.<br />
Mommy, I wish I could stay.<br />
Just like I heard you pray<br />
But, all the angels did cry<br />
When they told little me goodbye.<br />
God didnt take me cause he's mad.<br />
He didnt send me to make you sad.<br />
But to give us both a chance to be<br />
A love so precious..dont you see?<br />
Up there no trouble do I see<br />
and the pretty angels sing to me<br />
The streets of gold is where I play<br />
You'll be here too, mommy, someday.<br />
Until the day you join me here,<br />
I'll love you mommy, dear.<br />
Each breeze you feel and see,<br />
Brings love and a kiss from me..</span>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-52792898479531947462010-02-27T14:21:00.001-05:002010-02-27T14:24:04.585-05:00A simple quote I foundDear Anna<br />
<br />
I just read this quote and wanted to post it for you. I miss you more than ever. I tried to celebrate my own birthday the other day. Daddy and Ava were very good to me. But, nothing is the same without you here. Nothing will ever be the same. I love you so much. Please stay safe until I see you again. My heart aches so much today and I hope you don't mind. I don't want you to be sad just because Mommy is so sad. I just feel empty. I wish you didn't have to go away. I want you in my arms more than anything in the world. I miss you Anna. I can't even believe I lived this many months without you. Doesn't seem real. Nothing seems real anymore. I just think the world would be so much prettier with you here. Things would be calm and beautiful. I know you are an angel above,...but Mommy still misses having you here. It's hard for me. I am trying. I just miss you. You are the love of my life.<br />
<br />
<br />
* * *<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: grey; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px;"></span><br />
<h3 class="GenericStory_Message" data-ft="{"type":"msg"}" style="font-size: 13px !important; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; overflow-x: hidden; overflow-y: hidden; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">A thousand words can't bring you back<br />
<br />
I know because I tried<br />
<br />
And neither can a million tears<br />
<br />
I know because I cried<br />
<br />
~ Sarah Ratliff</h3>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-67438572817219730692010-01-27T21:50:00.008-05:002010-01-27T22:07:36.446-05:00photos<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div>I went to the cemetery today with my camera. It was such a beautiful day. Here are some of the pictures I took of Anna's grave. Though I wish she were here with me...I think she is resting in the most beautiful place. Peace to you my sweet Anna.<br />
<br />
<br />
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</div>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-81057254962177377932010-01-26T21:12:00.002-05:002010-01-26T21:14:11.801-05:00Your final resting place. I love you AnnaDear Anna<br />
<br />
Your gravestone was installed today. It is the first one in the row...and emptiness follows it. But, a peaceful empty. And a small tree nearby keeps a shadow on you. It is beautiful Anna. I couldn't think of a better way to honor you.<br />
<br />
I just don't know how I feel though. I was nervous all day. In fact,...this was one of those most difficult days of my life. Knowing the stone was going up. Knowing people were all around you and your final resting place. Knowing this is something final...<br />
<br />
I few months ago I was in Labor and Delivery. Awaiting you and longing to meet you. Instead, today,...I stood today in front of your grave. With you name etched in granite. Your full name. And one single date. Because you were born and died in one single day. I still don't really understand how that is possible. I just don't know why you're not here. Part of me is happy that you finally have a gravestone. But most of me is angry. Angry at the world for letting this happen. Angry that I'm supposed to put on a happy face every day...but it never ends. And it never will. I miss you. I couldn't stop thinking of you today.<br />
<br />
My baby has a gravestone.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-50839515280126295872010-01-24T11:02:00.000-05:002010-01-24T11:02:04.497-05:007 months agoDear Anna<br />
<br />
7 months ago I met you. I held you. I didn't know that I could possibly love you as much as that moment. Your daddy saw you for the first time and said to me, "she's beautiful". Of course you were. You were created out of love. And were supposed to be part of this wonderful family. You would have completed us. You would have been a playmate for your big sister. You would have been our "baby", our love and our joy. I don't know where you are now Anna...I know you are safe and happy. But, as I go through each day here without you,..I long for you more and more. I continue to be sad and miss you.<br />
<br />
Anna, someday I'll be able to carry on with my days. But for now,...I can't seem to adjust without you. They say at 7 months old you would begin to engage in hiding games. You could feed yourself finger foods. You may even be ready for a sippy cup. These are the small milestones that make parents happy.<br />
<br />
Instead,..I'm waiting. I'm waiting for your gravestone. I'm waiting for your 1-year birthday. I am not planning a party with balloons and presents,..rather a walk. Or a gathering of some sort, to honor you. It will all be very nice,...but, these are just not the thoughts I should be having 7 months after your birth.<br />
<br />
It just doesn't seem right.<br />
<br />
But, this is the way it is. And Anna, I hope you can give me the strength to go on. Somedays my thoughts of being with you are very strong. Please help me with my patience. As my time here is just as important. I have a daughter and a family that needs me. I want to be with them...but I'm torn because I want to be with you too. So, for now,..I will continue to carry you in my heart. But long to carry you again in my arms.<br />
<br />
I wish I could say happy 7 month birthday to you today. But instead, I will just say I love you. I miss you. You will never be forgotten Anna.<br />
<br />
oxKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-92051503675304328862010-01-23T23:07:00.000-05:002010-01-23T23:07:52.965-05:00Who you'd be todayI'm not much of a country music fan,..but I just added this song to my playlist by Kenny Chesney. And when listening to the lyrics, they just touched me.<br />
<br />
Here are the lyrics to his song Who You'd Be Today:<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;">Sunny days seem to hurt the most<br />
Wear the pain like a heavy coat<br />
I feel you everywhere I go<br />
I see your smile, I see your face<br />
I hear you laughing in the rain<br />
Still can't believe you're gone<br />
<br />
It ain't fair you died too young<br />
Like a story that had just begun<br />
The death tore the pages all away<br />
God knows how I miss you<br />
All the hell that I've been through<br />
Just knowing no one could take your love away<br />
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today<br />
<br />
Would you see the world?<br />
Would you chase your dreams?<br />
Settle down with a family?<br />
I wonder, what would you name your babies?<br />
Some days the sky's so blue<br />
I feel like I can talk to you<br />
And I know it might sound crazy<br />
<br />
Sunny days seem to hurt the most<br />
I wear the pain like a heavy coat<br />
The only thing that gives me hope<br />
Is I know I'll see you again someday<br />
<br />
Someday, Someday</span>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-38972962598041232442010-01-16T14:23:00.000-05:002010-01-16T14:23:11.240-05:00The hardest dayDear Anna<br />
<br />
Today was a hard day. Was it the hardest day? I don't know. Wasn't the day you died the hardest day? Of course it was. But what about the day that I held you...and then had to pass you back to the nurses. That day was unbelievable. The worst. And the day I buried you? What day can be worse than that? Or maybe it was the day I had to return to work and pretend everything was back to normal. I don't know. That day was surreal. The first snowfall? I fell to pieces that day. Thinking you were cold and lonely. When in fact,...I was the one cold and lonely...and missing you.<br />
<br />
But today Anna,...today your daddy, big sister and I drove to look at your gravestone. It's not in the cemetery yet, but we still had to look at it to be sure it was designed correctly. Anna, it is perfect. As perfect as a headstone should be, I guess.<br />
<br />
I'm still confused as to why my family and I drove to a gravestone company on a Saturday in January. Shouldn't I be home changing diapers? Nursing? Sleepy from getting up with your cries all night long? Wouldn't you be crawling by now? Or at least trying. Wouldn't you be smiling at me? Shouldn't Ava be holding you and loving you and being a role model to you. I don't understand Anna.<br />
<br />
Almost 7 months have passed and I'm still struggling with why my life has become this now.<br />
After your daddy drove us to look at your stone...we went to the shrine and I lit a candle for you. I asked God to be sure to take care of you. I asked Him to be sure you could hear me when I say I love you. Anna,..can you hear me? Do you know how much I love you?<br />
<br />
I am sorry that I am not at peace yet with your death. I just don't know why I had to look at a stone today instead of your beautiful face and feel you in my arms. I miss you so much my little girl. Please know that I carry you in my heart every second. I feel your weight in my arms every day. I will never forget you and I love you.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-76042883588962263082010-01-12T22:03:00.004-05:002010-01-13T11:17:45.194-05:00Another message from AnnaI received yet another message from Anna. I simply cannot believe all that she has done since she passed away. She is continuing to touch me and touch others in ways that I cannot describe.<br />
<br />
I never ever thought my life would be like this. I never really even believed in signs before. But, then again...I really didn't believe that innocent babies die either. Everything has changed now. Everything.<br />
<br />
So, I hope I tell this story correctly and do it justice.<br />
My friend Mary had just moved from R.I. to Pennsylvania. She was at a store and spotted 2 bins with personalized Precious Moments crosses in each. One bin carried pink crosses and the other carried blue. Because they were personalized..she naturally dug into the pink bin to find the name of her daugher Lauren. Lauren, by the way, is with us, alive and well...maybe 9 months old now. And just beautiful. <br />
<br />
Well..when Mary picked up the first cross, it said Anna. She was touched and overwhelmed as it reminded her of my daughter. She then continued to search for her "Lauren" cross,..when she picked up another cross and again,..it was Anna!<br />
She dug and dug...and each and every cross said Anna. EVERY cross! Every cross in that bin had the name Anna on it! Mary told me there must have been about 50 or 60 crosses in there. ALL of then with the name Anna. <br />
In the boy bin....there were all sorts of different names. A wide assortment.<br />
But, in the girl box,..just Anna.<br />
<br />
Mary purchased the Anna cross and gave it to me.<br />
<br />
Is this a sign? A message?? I don't know for sure what it is. But, I know that Mary did not stumble upon that bin of Anna crosses by accident. Anna was speaking to her. Letting Mary know that everything was ok. That everything was ok for her,...as Mary had just made this big move to different state. And also, Anna knows that Mary would be able to get that cross in my hands. And that I would know that it was a gift from her. A gift from my very own daughter. Who is no longer with me,...but blesses me with her love every day. <br />
<br />
Dear Anna<br />
I just want to say thanks. I love you. I love that you are so clearly in my life all the time. That you touch me and comfort me. You know how desperately I long for you. And I know you are trying your best to keep me safe.<br />
Thank you Anna.<br />
Thank you Mary.<br />
You were both brought into my life for a reason.<br />
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<br />
I hope you can forgive me,…as this weekend we broke down the crib and changed the nursery into a little girls room. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. That was supposed to be your room. You daddy and I purchased a bunch of new furniture for Ava to have a “big girl” room. And you had a beautiful nursery. It was the nursery that Ava used,..but then it was going to be yours.<br />
<br />
And now….everything has changed.<br />
<br />
I didn’t touch your room for almost 7 months. I didn’t know what to do.<br />
And this weekend,..I guess it was just time. And Ava moved back into that room with a bigger bed, and her “big girl” room will now be a guest bedroom. I guess. I don’t really know what is happening. It’s all so confusing.<br />
Nothing is how it should be.<br />
<br />
I have Ava, your 3 year-old sister in a queen size bed! It doesn’t even make any sense. But the bed was being stored and we figured we should just use it.<br />
<br />
Maybe I can look at it as if she is bringing life back into that room again. The room that was so anxiously awaiting you. A beautiful crib. Butterflies and dragonfiles. Flowers. You would have loved it, my sweet girl.<br />
I’m sure where you are now is much more beautiful than anyone could even envision. But all I can see is what we had prepared for you in our home.<br />
<br />
Well,…Ava loves her new room. She woke up this morning and said out loud “I love this room!” She has never said that before. Maybe she feels you with her. I have an angel on the wall that I told Ava is her guardian Angel “Anna”. Before she went to bed she said goodnight to me…goodnight to daddy, and looked at the angel and said goodnight Anna. It was so cute.<br />
<br />
You are always with us Anna. I hope you know that. <br />
The angel on the wall was given to me when Ava was born. It says “A Mother holds her children’s hand for a while, their hearts forever” How appropriate this is for both my children.<br />
<br />
Thinking of you always Anna. I miss you with every beat of my heart.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-86065637538741646932009-12-31T13:35:00.000-05:002009-12-31T13:35:54.220-05:00Farewell to 2009Dear Anna<br />
<br />
Today is New Years Eve. Today we say goodbye to 2009 and welcome in 2010.<br />
A lot of the time I find myself saying that I hate 2009. That the past year has been so terrible. But, really...a lot of last year was the most special year to me.<br />
<br />
At the beginning of the year, you were already 3 months old growing in my belly. Soon after that, I could already feel your kicks and turns. You were a busy little girl! I enjoyed every minute of your movement. And even though I experience a lot of back pain towards the end, I would still invite that feeling if it would mean you were still alive.<br />
<br />
You and I spent 6 months together last year. You grew and grew. I heard your beautiful heartbeat every week. You were perfect. You still are. But, when you and I were ready to meet each other in June, I guess there were other plans for you. It was the saddest day of my life, Anna, but, I still feel like I am blessed that I even had those few months to feel your little life inside of me.<br />
<br />
The remainder of 2009 has been very hard. I am not the same person any more. I am so filled with saddnes and grief. I think about your every minute of every day. I feel so robbed. Anna, you have the most beautiful big sister named Ava. Every day I picture how you and Ava would interact. I will never see the two of you together. I have to just picture it in my head,...with a lump in my throat. It is so unfair. And every day I question "why". But, I know you are safe. And I hope you are happy and at peace. Someday Anna,..I too will find that peace. My saddness still overrides every feeling I have. I can't help it. I miss you so much. My heart has been broken and will remain this way for the rest of my life. I will just learn to live my new life this way. And that's ok. I wish you were here in this life with me. Your daddy, Ava and myself,...we had so much love to give you. We will just learn how to love you in a different way. It hurts to not hold you. But my heart always carries you. <br />
<br />
You are an angel in my life Anna. I am truly blessed that I was able to know you and meet you. As the next year approaches, I will continue to write to you and talk to you and visit you. You will never be forgotten my sweet girl. Please know that your mommy loves you so much. I cry tears for you every day. But it's just because I love you so much and miss everything about you.<br />
<br />
You are a beautiful little girl. And heaven must be the most beautiful place in the world now that you are there. I love you so much.<br />
<br />
kisses to you my angel.<br />
oxox MommyKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-86815013047365927792009-12-29T09:08:00.000-05:002009-12-29T09:08:31.129-05:00My new normalThis is long, but a very important read. Each and every line describes exactly how it feels to live my new life, with my "new normal".<br />
<br />
<br />
Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in you're family' life. <br />
<br />
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentines day, July 4th and Easter. <br />
<br />
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.....yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. <br />
<br />
Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything. <br />
<br />
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't I? go through your head constantly. <br />
<br />
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. <br />
<br />
Normal is having the t.v. on the minute I walk into the house, because the silencing is deafening. <br />
<br />
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. <br />
<br />
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. <br />
<br />
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someones eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". <br />
<br />
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon of flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really. <br />
<br />
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it. <br />
<br />
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. <br />
<br />
Normal is making sure that others remember her. <br />
<br />
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. <br />
<br />
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better. <br />
<br />
Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss, unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. <br />
<br />
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. <br />
<br />
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. <br />
<br />
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as a "fetal demise or a product of conception" , when you know they were once someones loved one.<br />
<br />
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone striken with grief over the loss of your child. <br />
<br />
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. <br />
<br />
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face. <br />
<br />
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. <br />
<br />
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because......" I love God. I know my baby is up in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother. <br />
<br />
Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them. <br />
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Normal is asking God why he took you child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. <br />
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Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. <br />
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And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". <br />
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This "normal" is torture.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4409514944565875962.post-90844017554296164582009-12-23T14:13:00.002-05:002009-12-24T09:31:24.219-05:00A special poem in memory of Anna LisaDear Anna<br />
<br />
Today in the mail I received the most beautiful poem. It is from the mother of your friend Christina who is resting in peace just a few feet away from you. Christina was 27 years old, and her mom takes very good care of me by remembering you during very important times. <br />
Here is the poem.<br />
<br />
In Memory of Anna Lisa Bartnik<br />
<br />
You could only hold her and cry<br />
And ask the Lord to tell you why.<br />
You felt her movement inside your womb<br />
Then sadly that became her little tomb.<br />
Her face so sweet and full of peace,<br />
Her dear heart from beating did cease.<br />
Her life, alas, was all too brief<br />
Which left a family full of grief.<br />
But, thank the Lord, that's not the end<br />
With joy someday you'll meet again.<br />
As David said when he lost his baby<br />
"I'll go to be with him" (and I don't mean maybe!)<br />
Our life on earth passes all too quickly.<br />
Some people are well, and some are sickly,<br />
But to the end we all must come,<br />
And face God Almighty Father and Son.<br />
Into His eyes we'll someday look<br />
And remember His promises in His Book.<br />
If His Word you did believe<br />
And Jesus Christ you did receive,<br />
The gate to Heaven will open wide<br />
And Jesus will welcome you to step inside.<br />
You'll thank Him for the love He gave you<br />
And for dying on the cross in order to save you.<br />
And then I'm sure you'll look around<br />
And see the Anna you lost has now been found!<br />
There are no tears in Heaven for sure<br />
You'll have great joy when you can hold her!Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192761238618706007noreply@blogger.com1